Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Taking a Step Back

I forgot how much I once enjoyed blogging.

I used to appreciate signing in and detailing out my thoughts. I liked being transparent, emotional and real. I liked staying up and listening to the keys putter out my ideas and little random musings. I really was quite fond of the opportunity to verbally process out my logic in this format.

Then one day I realized that the little link on the bottom of my email that took my friends to my blog was actually being used. Then, someone found my blog through Facebook, and there were people who I knew who actually read my wild musings that were posted in this open forum called the Internet. Imagine that!

I got scared... and in my own criticism-conscious mind, I started holding back. Maybe I was being influenced by some severe insecurities but for the most part I know that my bold out-spokeness on my natural pregnancy really affected some of my friendships. Would I have changed the way that I introduced Aoife to the world? Not for an instant. Should I have offered more grace and exuded more understanding to people who don't breathe in sync with me? Most definitely.

In the last couple of weeks, I have started really researching blog culture. I have found blogs that I can read all day and some where I cannot change the browser fast enough. The ones I love are the people who can be real, who can get online and say, "life isn't perfect and that's just fine, because I'm giving it everything I've got... here's where I am so far". I love that.
Aoife obviously survived my alternative birthing choices and I don't need to step forward to anyone and say "I told you so!"... the health of my daughter speaks for itself. I do, though, want to regain presence online even if I have lost the readers whom I had likely offended in my approach to pregnancy. As such, if I have lost them, they likely aren't returning here to search out an apology and I am likely free to return to my own mild musings.
In the meanwhile, however, I will be updating the look of the blog and changing the title to the Caileda Chronicles... and remembering who I am so I can be real again.


Photo credit: Flickr -kukkurovaca

2 comments:

Jess said...

oh, c!

this is SO good. the second i start worrying about what/how i write - i stop. it's so easy to get freaked out (maybe people will not like that i drank a glass of wine, go to a charismatic church, feel tired as a teacher - and students read my blog!)...but my blog is ultimately for me...a place for me to write and sort....

(um, THIS comment was real. hee hee!)

love,

jess

chellejelly said...

just wanted to say that I love your ideas and love reading whats going on in your life. I always come back to see if something new is going on. miss you,
thanks for blogging again!