Taking a Step Back

I forgot how much I once enjoyed blogging.

I used to appreciate signing in and detailing out my thoughts. I liked being transparent, emotional and real. I liked staying up and listening to the keys putter out my ideas and little random musings. I really was quite fond of the opportunity to verbally process out my logic in this format.

Then one day I realized that the little link on the bottom of my email that took my friends to my blog was actually being used. Then, someone found my blog through Facebook, and there were people who I knew who actually read my wild musings that were posted in this open forum called the Internet. Imagine that!

I got scared... and in my own criticism-conscious mind, I started holding back. Maybe I was being influenced by some severe insecurities but for the most part I know that my bold out-spokeness on my natural pregnancy really affected some of my friendships. Would I have changed the way that I introduced Aoife to the world? Not for an instant. Should I have offered more grace and exuded more understanding to people who don't breathe in sync with me? Most definitely.

In the last couple of weeks, I have started really researching blog culture. I have found blogs that I can read all day and some where I cannot change the browser fast enough. The ones I love are the people who can be real, who can get online and say, "life isn't perfect and that's just fine, because I'm giving it everything I've got... here's where I am so far". I love that.

Aoife obviously survived my alternative birthing choices and I don't need to step forward to anyone and say "I told you so!"... the health of my daughter speaks for itself. I do, though, want to regain presence online even if I have lost the readers whom I had likely offended in my approach to pregnancy. As such, if I have lost them, they likely aren't returning here to search out an apology and I am likely free to return to my own mild musings.

In the meanwhile, however, I will be updating the look of the blog and changing the title to the Caileda Chronicles... and remembering who I am so I can be real again.

Photo credit: Flickr -kukkurovaca

Reasoning

Let the "reason for the season" always be the birth of Jesus Christ. Focusing now on traditions that I want to instill in our home and things that I want to teach my daughter are apparent by where I place my emphasis. Am I more concerned with celebrating the birth of the Christ-child or in watching my favorite Christmas movies? Have I dedicated time to blessing others this holiday season? Am I teaching Aoife about the joys of giving?

Roomie and I have gotten a lot of "holiday" cards this year, but not very many "Christmas" cards. Rearing my daughter in a nation that widely celebrates Christmas (96%), I want her to be ever mindful of why we celebrate: not for Black Friday and Cyber Monday but in recognition that several hundred years ago, our Savior was born in the form of a baby. He came and lived a blameless life and died so that we might have life in eternity with him. Should she ever lose focus, I want her to remember every Christmas season that Jesus Christ is the reason we celebrate.

Green Wrapping Paper: Furoshiki

I am turning over a new leaf. That green leaf is called furoshiki. The Ministry of the Environment from the Government of Japan has made available instructions for multiple forms of furoshiki, which is the wrapping of gifts in cloth. This eco-friendly presentation of presents not only staves off the waste incurred from traditional wrapping paper but also gifts the recipient beautiful fabric which they can reuse to furoshiki a gift to someone else. How fantastic!

The Tree Without a Footprint

In my efforts to start being more conscious about reducing my carbon footprint and saving the earth for both myself and my daughter, I have been increasingly aware of the waste that happens at Christmas.

The trees that get chopped down after years of growth for a one-month-stay in a living room seem like such an incredible loss after all the massive amounts of deforestation in the world.

For this reason (and the fact that we will be in Europe for the holidays), we slimmed down our tree and made sure it was a little more "green" friendly than in years past.

Mover's Remorse

Roomie and I received our lease renewal notice last month and despite falling market prices and an economic recession, our management company seemed to not be aware and rose our rental rates higher still. So, after four years of comfy living at the beach, we started perusing some options.

One of the locations we really desired to move to was unavailable to us. There were requirements to be met that made us unqualified. Of course, I have always had a difficult time taking "no" for an answer, so I challenged the requirements and we submitted an application and a petition stating why we felt we were eligible.

We knew it was a long shot, but if we could get in, the monies saved from lowered rental costs would pay for an entire semester of school (really). We held our breath but kept looking elsewhere, knowing no other location would afford us the same unique placement as the one we were petitioning to enter. Then, we got the call...we were accepted, and could we move in January?

I called Roomie and we were both too elated for words. We drove by the property and our new apartment faced a small park and playground where Aoife could play. It was offset from the road so we would no longer be bothered by sirens and midnight drag-racers and other blissful noises that come with living in the city. We could not believe our great fortune.

Then, I woke up. Our southern-exposure apartment was flooded with morning light and I was laying in bed with my daughter, in the same room where she was born. I walked to the front of the house to fix a cup of tea and I was suddenly sad: this house held so many memories. We never intended to live in an apartment forever, but this place had a hold on my heart that none other had. This home was were my husband brought me after our honeymoon. It the first place either Roomie and I had ever had our names on the lease. In this living room was held Joshua's first birthday party of his twenty-something life.

We had held bridal showers, Bible studies, birthday parties, Christmas caroling soirees, Independence Day celebrations, and late night wine dinners. The efforts of my parents and Roomie were evident in every room--their painting talents colored the walls of my once boring white rooms. Most recent of which was the painting of Aoife's bathroom just ten months ago when my Mom came over from Turkey to help us get ready. I am still in awe of the color and the professional job she did.

There will be many things I will miss: the pool, the proximity to the park and downtown, our sweet little fireplace and our deck that once held an amazing full cord of wood that Roomie was faithful to chop and burn. I will miss the amazing amount of light that poured in all of our windows and gave our small space life. I will miss the beautiful Virginian trees that bloomed white in spring, turned red in autumn and shaded my deck in summer. I will miss the amazing staff that have always been so kind to us and quick to meet any and all requests. I will miss being able to look out my window and watch Roomie's car pull in from a long day at work.

And though it is only an apartment, this home has been the residence I have held the longest in my entire life. Which at just under four years, should show what incredible stability my life has been lacking. But for all of its joys and wonderful memories, I will not miss the rent!