Saturday, August 7, 2010

The Honesty of a Pregnant Woman

In case you were wondering, it gets lonely.

As I get closer to meeting my second baby I'm realizing the amount of distance I put myself through in my drive to being "au naturel", "crunchy", or just plain different. I get tired so often being alone in my principles, alone in my viewpoints and alone listening to mainstream objections that I've long since decided to be ill-founded and wrongfully followed.

Sometimes I just want to let my hair down and say, "look, we're both two mamas, trying to do what's best..." or "hey, we both love life, let's just sit down and have a good time." But I feel like I always have to have my guard up, like people are constantly measuring my lifestyle, my conversation or my children against an invisible standard that's been set.

My daughter changed my life. Being pregnant with her opened me up to a whole new approach to life and thought. I went from "I'm so happy I'm like everyone else" to writing out our birthing philosophy which included home-birthing my 10 lb. girl who was 8 days past her due date. My pregnancy with Aoife challenged nearly everything I 'knew' and made me reconsider all the things I didn't. My life was radically changed by that pregnancy and by my incredibly wonderful birthing experience.

I remember the day I firmly but decidedly wrote out a public 'vow' that detailed out my end to being silent on the life choices I'd made for my family. That post led me down the pathway to eventually creating a whole separate website just on my lifestyle choices: home-birthing, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, non-vaccinating, baby wearing, organic eating, drinking raw goat's milk, and so forth. I wanted to address all those wonderful questions I was being fielded.

However, I feel myself being backed into a corner again... being set apart and turned aside for having different viewpoints, for standing on my own two feet, for researching something against the flow of mainstream society and deciding for myself a different path to take.

Truth is, I'd love to take another stance, make another vow and say, "I'm done. I'm different than you and I can handle it. I know my child is healthier and stronger and smarter for it and my lifestyle is creating a home environment that is positive and nurturing."

But the truth is, I'm tired. I'm more likely to nod my head in the presence of additional ludicrous challenges and to walk away when I'm too exhausted to listen anymore. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and I want rest. I want friendly conversation with people who will encourage me and befriend me, not hasten to hurt and challenge because they feel threatened by my choices.

I'm ready to meet my sweet baby and have you bring over dinner and hold him too. Want to hear about my waterbirth? I'm all for it. Want to just listen to my baby coo? That's even better. We'll listen to him coo while we eat something chocolate and delicious, since I do eat that stuff too.


Nicole said...

I love you. I miss you. I'm (mostly) with you. For the parts I'm not - I support you.

Toni said...

I have a deep respect for you, Cailin. You have taught me so much. Mostly you have taught me to think for myself, to not allow others to dictate what's best for my family. Though I have failed miserably at times and I still have a lot to learn, God is continually using you to teach me. I am so thankful for you.